Going easy on ourselves.

I don’t really do resolutions really but this new year I plan to continue to get better with being easier on myself. Past troubles, hurts, or past experiences that continue to plague my daily interactions in some way shape or form. I am working on processing things, learning a lesson if there are any and then smoothly letting it go. Things that could’ve gone better in the past need to not have an effect on me anymore. Parental relationships, childhood trauma, my bipolar experience among other things have definitely caused an imprint on me. Affecting self esteem and confidence. It has made it difficult to consistently conquer my obstacles and challenges.

I have started working with a life coach this year which I have found to be very helpful. I have used many counselors over the years with very minimal success. I find my mental health coach just doesn’t bring up old wounds and leave you there bleeding but she actually helps you attack and work through your issues. I am notoriously hard on myself and have had self esteem issues as long as I can remember. She has really helped me to process a lot of things and am on the way to overcoming these things. A lot of things to work on this year.

Happy New Years!

destiny

I wonder if my life was meant to be something different than what it is now. I sometimes can get down when I think of what could have been. Then I am reminded of things that have turned out in my favor even though they were not my first choice options. Avoiding life threatening situations and having certain people in your life you normally wouldn’t have ever met are some things that come to mind.

I didn’t worry about my future growing up. I could get decent grades without trying really, I was athletic so I had some things going for me. I then had a life altering event. I had a nervous breakdown and got diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 16. For years I looked at it as something that made me less than and you know what…it definitely did and still does. Not even so much for the external reasons but for the way I haven’t been able to accept it and not let it beat me.

My life has been a perfect illustration of a hyper stagnated lack of motivation. I don’t know if it’s coming from feeling like I was always an inch away from loosing my mind for so long. Was it everything I knew to be my reality seemingly being destroyed in the blink of an eye with the ever present threat of my future existence being homeless or stuck in some form of mental institution with little semblance to my former sense and being horrified with the possibility of abuse.

Presently after a long time I do realize there’s something wrong with me. Not fully the bipolar but what happened to me due to me not aggressively ensuring it didn’t make me feel paralyzed emotionally. I am stable and on my med but if you don’t take the steps to keep the trauma small you will be a different person

why do I want to blog

I write well? Killing time? Not entirely sure but I am sure that I would benefit from putting things down in print.  So many things in my head but for a guy that doesn’t talk that much seems kind of daunting to think where i should start.

To be continued…