Last week I found myself restless and unable to sleep. I realized my heart was beating irregularly. Got out my Apple Watch and sure enough my pulse was going crazy. 175 bpm, then 80, then 130, then 49 etc. My atrial fibrillation was back with a vengeance. No wonder all through the workday people were asking me am I ok? Why am I sweating? I thought it was carryover from a tough morning swim but it was because my heart was struggling. I had been told by my cardiologist that I didn’t have to worry about Afib anymore but I had gotten lax. So much so that I ran out of my meds and didn’t rush out to fill it. The next morning I knew I had to go to the ER.
I was given a gurney in a hallway by a nurses station to lay on while my heart was given a chance to go back to normal before medical interventions. As I laid there in my own thoughts I started to listen to the action of the nurses and doctors nearby. Multiple strokes, cracked skulls, heavy bleeding and even some deaths were some of the issues that other patients were dealing with. I began to forget about my issue and started to think about the fragility of life and how these things would effect them. It reinforced the fact that for so long I would obsess and fixate on my own problems. I’d let my mind put me in such a bad state because my perspective was wrong. Instead of seeing how fortunate I am, the wins that happen every day I would let the small stuff get me depressed and steal my joy. How many people probably wish they switch circumstances with mine? Probably a good number. But it is easy at times to feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. I’ve gotten better at recognizing my blessings and replacing negative thoughts with positive. As soon as I’ve been able to do that I’ve noticed I’ve been alot happier and have generally enjoyed a more peaceful existence.
I take it day by day.
Self Improvement is a tricky thing! Trying to change a flaw that has long become a part of you isn’t easy. Especially something that is so ingrained that it’s buried deep within your psyche! I’m finding patience is key here. I have never been good in that area. Not only your patience but your partners as well. They have lived with your issue as well and I’ve had to tell myself to be patient with their impatience. Hard to stomach but it’s not fair to always expect someone else to be able to ride this journey with you without being frustrated. It’s frustrating to be in my own shoes as it is. I’ve gone through many emotions. Just this week I went from feeling highly confident to wanting a divorce . Feeling hopelessly sad and now I feel pretty good again. Emotions are not a good compass during this journey especially when trying to overcome past childhood trauma and conditioning. Our compass is already messed up and if we let our normal reactions and feelings guide us we will definitely continue to head in the wrong direction leading to more pain and confusion. We’ve got to reprogram the compass. I’ve gotten a loose coach who has really helped me to do that so I am much more confident I’m going in the right direction. At times you sure have to find a clear path, curt through jungle or even do a 180 but with the right guide by your side it will eventually get on the right track.
Be easy on yourselves!
I don’t really do resolutions really but this new year I plan to continue to get better with being easier on myself. Past troubles, hurts, or past experiences that continue to plague my daily interactions in some way shape or form. I am working on processing things, learning a lesson if there are any and then smoothly letting it go. Things that could’ve gone better in the past need to not have an effect on me anymore. Parental relationships, childhood trauma, my bipolar experience among other things have definitely caused an imprint on me. Affecting self esteem and confidence. It has made it difficult to consistently conquer my obstacles and challenges.
I have started working with a life coach this year which I have found to be very helpful. I have used many counselors over the years with very minimal success. I find my mental health coach just doesn’t bring up old wounds and leave you there bleeding but she actually helps you attack and work through your issues. I am notoriously hard on myself and have had self esteem issues as long as I can remember. She has really helped me to process a lot of things and am on the way to overcoming these things. A lot of things to work on this year.
Happy New Years!
I wonder if my life was meant to be something different than what it is now. I sometimes can get down when I think of what could have been. Then I am reminded of things that have turned out in my favor even though they were not my first choice options. Avoiding life threatening situations and having certain people in your life you normally wouldn’t have ever met are some things that come to mind.
I didn’t worry about my future growing up. I could get decent grades without trying really, I was athletic so I had some things going for me. I then had a life altering event. I had a nervous breakdown and got diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 16. For years I looked at it as something that made me less than and you know what…it definitely did and still does. Not even so much for the external reasons but for the way I haven’t been able to accept it and not let it beat me.
My life has been a perfect illustration of a hyper stagnated lack of motivation. I don’t know if it’s coming from feeling like I was always an inch away from loosing my mind for so long. Was it everything I knew to be my reality seemingly being destroyed in the blink of an eye with the ever present threat of my future existence being homeless or stuck in some form of mental institution with little semblance to my former sense and being horrified with the possibility of abuse.
Presently after a long time I do realize there’s something wrong with me. Not fully the bipolar but what happened to me due to me not aggressively ensuring it didn’t make me feel paralyzed emotionally. I am stable and on my med but if you don’t take the steps to keep the trauma small you will be a different person
I write well? Killing time? Not entirely sure but I am sure that I would benefit from putting things down in print. So many things in my head but for a guy that doesn’t talk that much seems kind of daunting to think where i should start.
To be continued…